Tarantulas: Tough or Timid?

An Avery Madden Crazy Critters Exclusive

Even the people who aren’t afraid of itsy-bitsy spiders pretty much all get nightmares about one spider in particular: the tarantula. I’m chatting with Molina the tarantula, who’s come here from Chile with a political platform: no more tarantula intolerance!

Avery Madden: Let me get this straight. You’re three inches long and covered with hair, your leg span is five inches, you even have fangs, and humans shouldn’t be afraid of you?

Molina Tarantula: Exactly. There are no reported instances of a tarantula greatly harming a person.

AM: Then why, Molina, why are we afraid?

MT: Most people think of spiders as little tiny insects that you can squash with a tissue (don’t even get me started with that) but tarantulas are so enormous, they’re closer in size to a mouse than an insect.

AM: So, tarantulas wouldn’t go out of their way to hurt a human. But tarantulas as pets … yay or nay?

MT: Yay. Definitely yay. Tarantulas are beautiful and docile creatures. They have been known to curl up and relax in their owner’s hand. Best of all, spiders have no detectable odor … unlike lizards and snakes.

AM: Hey, I’m a snake owner! Walter doesn’t smell … well, most of the time.

MT: Well, if you’re going to get a tarantula, I recommend a female instead of a male. Females can live 20-30 years, but males only live 10-12 years.

AM: That’s crazy! What, do males have a lot stress or something?

MT: They sure do, but I’m not sure if that’s why they don’t live as long. Female tarantulas are mooooody. I’m talking one minute we love males, and the next, we want to kill them … literally! But only if you’re a male tarantula. Don’t worry.

AM: Well male or female, if I had a spider live to be 30 years old, I’d throw her a surprise party.

MT: Eh, this is embarrassing. Actually surprising a tarantula is probably the one thing you don’t want to do. The only time a tarantula will bite or “kick off” urticating (word nerd: itchy and irritating) hair is when they are threatened or surprised.

AM: Hey, but you said that tarantulas wouldn’t harm people!

MT: I said we wouldn’t “greatly harm a person.” A tarantula bite isn’t any worse than getting stung by a wasp or bee. And the hair can only make you itch. Most people can handle, even play with their pet tarantulas without getting bitten assaulted with hair.

AM: What about small mice and other insects?

MT: Look out! They’re part of my complete breakfast … and lunch and dinner.

AM: But what about my dinner? I heard that in Cambodia, fried tarantulas are considered a delicacy. Tastes just like shrimp, they say.

MT: Hmph. If you like that sort of thing. I’ll stick to rodents.

AM: So, Molina, what’s on your playlist these days?

MT: The Who’s Boris the Spider will always be in my top ten. And Free Bird … who doesn’t love Skynard?