APRIL 2007: Helping Girls to Set Boundaries

Helping Girls to Set Boundaries | Five Tips For Becoming A Totally Wired Parent

Dear BSG Parents and Friends,

Today we're continuing our multi-part series on cyber-safety and cyber-bullying, inspired by our new book Just Kidding. In Just Kidding, the Beacon Street Girls and our preteen readers learn about gossip, bullying, no-joke zones and how the Internet can be a hurtful vehicle for spreading rumors, spoiling friendships and contributing to hurt feelings. Just Kidding is now available in your local bookstore, or you can pick it up online now. Our first article is from Deborah Weaver, the co-founder and executive director of Girls' LEAP, a ten-year old organization that trains girls and young women to use their voices to set boundaries, to identify and explore their feelings about pressure and violence and to defend themselves in threatening situations. Deborah talks about how to use role playing to address issues of bullying and peer pressure with your daughter.

Anastasia Goodstein, the author of Totally Wired: What Teens And Tweens Are Really Doing Online, provides us with Five Tips For Becoming A Totally Wired Parent.

Next month we'll be discussing how to manage the huge number of media choices available today and figure out what's right for your family. How can you raise media-savvy kids?

As always,

Addie

Helping Girls to Set Boundaries
by Deborah Weaver

When my daughter turned nine years old, issues of bullying and peer pressure started to surface as she talked about school. Even though I was well aware of the violence facing girls on the streets of Boston and Cambridge, I was still taken aback as these issues confronted my daughter. It became clear to me that girls of this age have a fundamental need to learn how to set clear boundaries. My daughter and I set out to do this.

The year was 1998, and I had recently helped to found Girls' LEAP, a Cambridge-based organization that teaches safety awareness, self-defense, self-advocacy and verbal and physical boundary-setting to girls and young women. One of the most powerful aspects of our curriculum has been the use of role plays that allow girls to explore their voice in handling difficult situations. My daughter and I agreed to try this at home – or, as we discovered, in the car.

At nine years old, my daughter was quite open to role playing with me. I would let her set the scene and give me a character to play. The car turned out to be a perfect venue for these sessions. Sitting side by side, we could role play without the added pressure of direct eye contact. Gradually, my daughter would incorporate detail from situations that she faced at school. I could see her exploring options in her responses. When I didn’t get the character right, she would stop the action and correct me.

The role-plays with my daughter offered me tremendous insight into the issues that she faced. I felt informed and useful as a parent. The sessions gave my daughter important skills as well. Because she generated her own responses to the characters I played, my daughter created a physical memory of setting boundaries using her own voice. Later, in her teenage years, she would draw on those memories when confronting pressured situations.

Girls need to learn the critical skill of setting boundaries before reaching their teenage years. Once they enter middle school, the pressures from peers skyrocket, and many girls are drawn into risky behaviors. At the same time, middle school teens are beginning to assert their independence, so they seldom seek parental help on difficult issues. By practicing boundary-setting with pre-teen daughters, parents can give girls a foundation upon which to draw when they become teenagers.

In contrast to the role-plays that my daughter and I created, other programs script a verbatim response for girls to use in pressured situations. As research has shown, that approach produces very little change in girls’ ability to set boundaries. Still other programs help girls to discuss these situations without the opportunity to enact them. My conviction is that pre-teen girls need practice in setting clear boundaries with their own voice and an experience in doing it successfully.

As I role-played with my daughter, I also helped to coach her on what effective boundaries are and with whom to use them. Here are some of the tips that she and I discussed:

• Set boundaries firmly the first time. After this, don't engage with someone who continues to pressure, threaten or flatter you.
• Use your body language to set boundaries. Face the person directly and address them. Make eye contact to communicate your resolve.
• Use a calm, firm and assertive tone. Don't plead or become hysterical or aggressive.
• Brainstorm about the actions and motivations of peers or bullies ahead of time. This way, girls can deconstruct their fear and respond   effectively.
• Be able to name the actions that bullies use, such as threatening, distorting facts or repeating themselves loudly.
• Advocate for yourself by relating the situation and how you feel to a trusted adult.

The pre-teen years are a wonderful opportunity for parents to help their daughters to build important social skills. My daughter, now a freshman in college, has continued to use her voice to advocate for what she needs. It has been an inspiration to watch.

Deborah Weaver is the Co-Founder and Executive Director of Girls' LEAP, a ten-year old organization based in Cambridge that trains girls and young women in Greater Boston to use their voices to set boundaries, to identify and explore their feelings about pressure and violence and to defend themselves in threatening situations.

Is your daughter a Beacon Street Girl? The Beacon Street Girls are proud to sponsor Girls' LEAP's Tenth Anniversary Benefit Concert and Auction, Lifting the Voices of LEAP, through a unique contribution. The highest bidder can choose an important girl in his or her own life to be written into an upcoming Beacon Street Girls book. For more information or to attend the event on April 24th at the Regattabar at the Charles Hotel, contact Girls' LEAP at 617-441-2112  or on the web at www.girlsleap.org.

Or, if you are interested in bidding on this opportunity and are unable to physically attend the event, you can also phone in your bid to:  617-967-4777 , 617-909-3024 , or  617-909-3025 , starting at 7:30 pm EDT. (Please be prepared with an opening bid and a maximum bid.) Live bidding will not start until approx. 8pm.

Five Tips For Becoming A Totally Wired Parent
By Anastasia Goodstein, author of Totally Wired: What Teens And Tweens Are Really Doing Online

When you see your tween with her headphones on, thumbs moving seemingly at the speed of light as they send text messages, or hear terms like MySpace, Xanga, blog or podcast, your first reaction might be to glaze over, chalk it up to "kids today," and move on. But here’s why that's not a wise response: kids today are totally wired. They are the first generation raised with the Iinternet. They're experiencing a world in which rapid technological change is transforming the way they consume and create media. Hi-speed technological change is also transforming how they do their schoolwork, socialize with friends and figure out who they are.

Here are five tips intended to help you gain a better understanding of your tween's online life and strengthen your offline relationship:

1. Talk to your tween or teen about their digital lives. Seems pretty basic, but you'd be surprised at how many parents don't do this. Have them   show you where they hang out online. Ask if you can see their profile or blog. Even if they say no, have them help you create a profile and show   you how to set up a blog. As they explain how everything works, you can ask them questions to get them to open up about how they use different   features on these sites. Ask if they’ll show you their favorite game – and then play it with them!

2. Set limits. This is your job as a parent, and while your tween may chafe at being restricted, deep down they appreciate boundaries. Keep the   computer in a public place where you can drop in and out, periodically look over their shoulder or check their browser history. Make it the  family computer. You can also limit the amount of time your tween spends with all of the various screens – cell phones, computers and television.  Tweens can spend hours playing video games, texting their friends in the middle of the night, or socializing over instant messenger when they   should be concentrating on homework. You need to tell them when to turn it off.

3. Teach them cyber cyber-ethics. You are probably teaching your tweens ethics already, but there are some differences in how tweens interact online  that are important to emphasize. It's much easier for kids to be cruel online. They can do it anonymously, steal passwords and do it as someone  else, or slam other kids or adults on blogs or social networking sites. Technology provides a sense of detachment from the victim, and the public  and viral nature of the Iinternet means that more people can join in and that the potential consequences are much greater including expulsions  and lawsuits. Tell your tween to never share their password and talk about the real emotional consequences of cyber-bullying. At the same time,  encourage them to share any experience they may have had with cyber-bullying with you. Assure them you won’t "take the Iinternet away," and that  you're there to support them no matter what may have happened.

4. Teach them to be information literate. Help them to be critical of sites they visit, to evaluate who funds certain sites, how credible the  information is and whether or not they are appropriate sources for schoolwork. For example, while Wikipedia is a great source of information,  since it can be modified by anyone, it's not a credible source to site in a research paper for school.

5. Explain that the web is a virtual public. The Iinternet is a public space, just like your town square. The "don't talk to strangers" message  should be enhanced with the warning that predators will often pose as teens. Remind tweens that any information they post on a public blog or  profile, can be seen by anyone including their friends' parents and teachers. You can also make sure they keep their profile private or just for  their friends. Talk to tweens about what’s appropriate to post and what might get them in trouble later. Make sure they don’t post too much  identifying information on public blogs or profiles. Information like their last name, school or home address may seem like a no-brainer to you  but say it anyway. Even information like sports team names and clubs can makeidentifying someone possible easier than you think. 


For more information and loads of resources visit www.totallywiredbook.com.