FEBRUARY 2007: The NJZ ( No Joke Zone)

The NJZ (No Joke Zone)

Dear Parent (and other adult BSG friends):

Today’s Beacon Street Girls parents newsletter is the first in a multi-part series on the Internet, Internet safety and cyber-bullying. This series will help parents and kids deal with the difficulties that have arisen because of technology and how it has changed the way we all interact with each other.

The Internet, with all its wonders, adds another dimension to already challenging interpersonal relationships. For example, kids, who are still learning how to best interact with others in person, are now 'friending' strangers on the Internet.

In the new Beacon Street Girls book, Just Kidding, (available on the BSG website at the end of February and in stores in March) Isabel Martinez is the subject of a rumor. A series of mean emails and not-funny jokes pit classmates against each other and the teasing quickly escalates into a major issue with Isabel as the victim. Isabel turns to her friends as she becomes more and more isolated from her classmates, and is desperate for everything to return to normal, the way it was before the incident.

Your daughter, or one of her friends, may run into a similar situation. One strategy to employ is the “No Joke Zone”, a concept created by today’s newsletter article author Rachel Simmons, Rhodes Scholar and best-selling author of Odd Girl Out:The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls.

This article will help you better understand the related issues of cyber-bullying and Internet safety, offering you and your daughter a concrete tool that can be used.

Please feel free to forward this newsletter to other parents who might be interested.

Sincerely,

Addie Swartz
CEO of B*tween Productions, Inc.

The NJZ (No Joke Zone)
By Rachel Simmons

While teasing can be hurtful, it is an important component of personal and group development. Children who tease each other are learning to test boundaries, deepen relationships, compete, and communicate. Girls often use teasing to channel more intense anger if they are too uncomfortable or simply unable to express those feelings directly. This is especially true in girls’ friendships with each other.

Aggressive behavior in which one child denies malicious intent has been identified by research psychologists as a form of indirect aggression. Chief among girls’ complaints about indirect aggression is the “just kidding” problem. For example: “You look so icky in that shirt--just kidding!” Or, “No offense, but don’t you think your boyfriend is such a loser?”

Children employ an insidious logic when they use this form of indirect aggression. What they are really saying is, “If I didn’t mean it, it didn’t happen.” In other words, if I was “just kidding,” the mistake will be erased without any acknowledgment of my wrongdoing. If my words were not serious, I can’t get in trouble, and my relationships can’t suffer in any way.

The child who hears an insult, followed by “just kidding” has few options. Children learn a “script” of these interactions. For example, when a child tries to resist or confront the aggressor, s/he invariably retorts, “What’s your problem? Can’t you take a joke?” This is usually accompanied by an eye roll or sigh of disgust shared with others that the child can’t take a joke. The child learns to go along with the joke so as to not make it a “big deal.”

Girls often feel helpless to confront “just kidding” comments, often going to exceptional lengths to avoid creating a major direct conflict or “drama”.

Introducing the No Joke Zone (NJZ) can help your daughter if she or one of her friends is confronted with a Just Kidding situation.

The NJZ works as follows:

• When a joke is made that feels hurtful to the target, the target (or a bystander) can say, “That’s a No Joke Zone” Or “That’s an NJZ.” If  necessary, they can use the opportunity to explain what the No Joke Zone is and how it works.
• The joker’s responsibility is to apologize sincerely.
• Then, all the children present must change the subject.
• If the joker refuses to apologize, the target may either ask the joker to explain why or ask an adult for help. (When someone refuses to honor an  NJZ, it usually points to a larger conflict or an aggressive dynamic. The good news in this situation is that their open refusal to honor the NJZ  takes the focus off the intended target.) .

The Rule: Not all Jokes are Funny!
The Tool: The NJZ (No-Joke Zone)

If Someone Says a Joke is an NJZ,

  1. Say you’re sorry—be sincere!
  2. Talk about something else.

Remember, everybody has a No Joke Zone, something they shouldn’t need to defend!!!

The NJZ has three benefits. First, rather than placing the emphasis on the denial of bad behavior (e.g., “I was just kidding!”), it rewards children for taking responsibility for a mistake. Second, it is an indirect tool for teaching “good” apologies. Third, the NJZ empowers bystanders by offering a way for them to help the target.

As a parent or a teacher you can introduce the concept of the NJZ to your children and reinforce it periodically. Explain how “just kidding” can be hurtful and how the NJZ can empower them.